I'm beautiful and I know it... :)

There's a thought that's been chewing my brain for some time now and I thought its unfair that my brain suffers alone. So here's some for your brain too... :P

Having an accurate estimation of yourself is a good thing, right? Its basically knowing your positives as well as your negatives. This allows you to change, improve and grow into the person you want to be. Why then is it so difficult for people to accept positives about themselves and just as easy to accept the negatives?

Ever noticed how when you tell someone something negative about themselves more often than not they will accept it and even confirm it. I guess they too see it as a negative in themselves. They do it easily and there's no fuss or arguing trying to prove that it is indeed a negative. Don't believe me? Try telling someone they've put on weight. See what you get. Don't be shy to share the responses you get. I'll be happy if I'm wrong.

Now, try complimenting someone about something you believe to be really great about them. Most likely that person is going to reject that compliment or just shrug it off with a thanks or say something like "now you're just being nice, etc." There's no real acceptance or confirmation like with the negative.

Did you try it for yourself?

Why is it so damn hard for people to confirm their positive attributes or achievements when complimented about the same?

Can you imagine someone telling Roger Federer that he's the greatest tennis player ever and him replying with two simple words, "I know." I have never heard him say that.

You know it. I know it. His opponents know it. His achievements speak for themselves. Why then have I never heard him accept that? Its not like he's over exaggerating his achievements. Just an accurate estimation of himself, I'd say.

Or for that matter if someone told me I'm beautiful and for me to reply with the same, "I know." Beauty, after all is very subjective so my estimation is the right estimation. If I said, "I know" I'd probably make eyes roll. Actually, let me correct that. I have said that and made eyes roll. I've been told things like, "that's very humble of you" or "how modest!" etc. The people who matter know that I still have my feet firmly planted on the ground. 

It pains me when I compliment someone and they try to play down their achievements. When they are not confident in themselves. Why are we so obsessed with trying to act modest? If there's something extraordinary about you why are you still expected to act in moderation? I don't get it. I say screw it. Everyone appreciates confidence. Be confident in yourself. If you believe you're the most beautiful person on this planet, you are...!!!

Always remember, the people who are trying to bring you down are already beneath you.

Waist, wallet or.......?

What a deal breaker..! I thought I'd have 10 hours of shopping exercise again. Turns out the shops didn't care as much about the moolah as they did about celebrating and so they shut early. Oh well, I still got a good enough dose of exercise for the day.

Shamefully got to admit that I missed the parade today. Didn't know the street or time (downside of being new to the city) and so by the time I reached the show was over.. :(

As far as food and diet is concerned I still have to practice sharing or ordering kids meals. Got sucked into ordering a separate meal only because I'm a sucker for variety. But I managed breakfast and dinner with a home-cooked meal. That by my standards is an excellent effort considering I'm on holidays. That deserves a celebration and in anticipation of this good effort I already bought myself a new pair of shoes... ;)

See what I've done there? I've steered away from rewarding myself with food and wine and moved to greener pastures like retail therapy. I reckon better on the credit card than on the waist. There's only one little problem though. I'll have hatch a scheme that ensures constant flow of funds..... God..! So much to do and only one lifetime to do it all...!!!!

While I try to accomplish so many things bit by bit I'd really like to know what are some of the things you reward yourself with when you cross over little self-placed hurdles. Hopefully they'll help maintain my waistline and be easy on the wallet too.

Happy 4th of July everyone......:)

Lifelong commitment!

Falling off and getting back on track to my weight loss goals is become a regular thing now. I'm not really proud about getting off track and so this time I'm not going to talk about how good it feels getting back on track. I'll wait till a considerable amount of time passes staying on track and then maybe explore that topic.

I will however mention that I slept determined to wake up early and go for my morning walk and I did just that. Most pleasant walk I've enjoyed in quite some time. So quiet. Absolutely no traffic. No Noise. That's two types of pollutants I didn't have to worry about. The sun was just the right amount warm and it was just perfect. While walking I had many thoughts running through my mind. My travel plans while I'm here. Shopping list. Gifts for my family I'm going to buy. My weight loss goals. The buck stopped there. I started to come up with strategies on how I intend to achieve that.

Just while my mind was busy doing that I saw a few people come towards me. They came closer and I saw a little girl on her bike, her older brother and their mum were jogging along side her. They both had their earphones plugged in listening to their favourite tracks. They passed me and we greeted each other and continued along our ways.

As we crossed each other I found myself thinking about what kind of life I'd like to have when I have a family of my own. I realised that all this focus on fitness doesn't stop at me achieving my weight loss goals. It is a lifelong thing. If I want to enjoy an active lifestyle when I have kids, run around with them playing games and teaching them the importance of staying fit for a healthier life I'll have to live it everyday. Yes, I've heard the part about making fitness a lifelong decision before and apparently when you accept that you stop thinking about being "on track" and "off track." You automatically are always on track (Hope I haven't lost you) 

I guess that concept just hit me with exceptional clarity today. So here I am ready to raise a toast to new depths of understanding and hope to make fitness a part of life. Now if you excuse me its bed time and I want to be up early 'cause another 10 hours of cardio await me tomorrow. What? didn't get it? Its the 4th of July tomorrow which means a mega sale here in the USA..... So... Good night...... I need all the rest I can get tonight.

Lost count on what day it is ..... :P

I think the last three weeks have been nothing short of a roller coaster for me. In between introducing my boyfriend to my family...(which involved a lot of feasting as typical to any Indian family) packing for my holidays and actually traveling I honestly had no time to track my food intake and definitely no time to check in here.

Today, marks a week since my holiday began here in the USA. After a lot of contemplating, I finally decided to face my fear and get on the scales. I had to. Having had some experience in this area before I know that the more I delay it the worst it gets so I just got on. Almost had a mini heart attack but quickly recovered when I realised the scales measured in pounds and not kilograms. Pleasantly surprised. No weight gain. Yay...!

I guess my vacation couldn't have come at a worst time. Here I am, trying to lose weight for an upcoming wedding and given my current environment I'm beginning to feel that maintaining my weight will be a task in itself. During this week I've noticed how everything here is super-sized. A regular coke is served in a jumbo glass. A serve of spaghetti bolognese is enough for four. It even comes with a salad which is a meal by itself. A single serve of ice cream is enough for two. I won't even start with the price difference between a small bag of chips and a family sized one which obviously tempts the buyer to get the bigger one at a cheaper price. With these recent experiences I've decided from now on I'm just going to order a kids meal or share with whoever I'm eating out with. Honestly struggled to finish the meals by myself and ended up getting them doggy-bag'd.

All my favourite foods are easily available. They are cheap and in large quantities. Now I understand why everyone warned me about taking a holiday at this time and the inevitable weight gain that would follow. I'm no less. I've taken it as a personal challenge to not only maintain my weight but also to shed a few kilos before I head back.

The only thing left is to hatch a genius plan on how I'm going to achieve that. I've started with 4-5 hour long walks around different shops every evening. That way I include cardio and weight training when I walk around lifting shopping bags... ;)

If you want to know how that's going, well, you're just going to have to continue reading. I am not going to promise this time about being regular but I will definitely try.

See you tomorrow.

Day 14

In your quest to lose weight in a healthy manner do you often hear things like;

Eat fresh foods
Pick organic
Avoid preservatives so no ready to cook food
No junk food
Go easy on chocolates, ice creams, cakes and colas
.... stuff like that?

It just occurred to me that there was in fact a time when people ate like that. Actually there is a place where people eat like that even today. That place is my home and many other homes, I'm sure.

My mum wakes up and cooks breakfast for the family. Then its lunch time followed by dinner. Even the snacks are prepared at home. Some snacks are prepared in advance but the good thing is they don't contain any preservatives. It doesn't only stop there. She shops for the fruits and vegetables herself so they're all handpicked after a very lengthy process of scouting varied number of vendors. Of course, since I'm home I am always forced to go along more as a designated driver than anything else.

Of course my family can enjoy this luxury because my mum has chosen to stay at home and not go to 'work'. But is she really not working? I think she works more than all of us combined and I can say that because when anyone falls sick things still run smoothly at home. But if mum falls there is complete chaos. Everyone is lost.

Very recently mum wasn't at her best and was prescribed bed rest. That's when I filled in for her and realised just how difficult her life was. Cooking a fresh meal at least 3 times a day. I for one had totally underestimated the work she does. That forced me to think of the lifestyle our ancestors enjoyed. I think they probably had their way of life completely sorted. One partner went to work while the other stayed at the house looking after everything that made it a home. Its more than a full time job. Don't know what changed. If I had to speculate I'd say things changed when everyone started valuing money over all else. (I'd save this argument, Oh! of course I meant discussion ;) for another day)

Getting back to food. It is our basic source of energy. Imagine having a meal that is personally handpicked and freshly prepared every time! Try having that kind of food for a couple of weeks and you may notice the sugar cravings have disappeared. I'm saying this from a place of personal experience. I can't remember the last time I had a craving that needed a fix then and there...

Wow... I sound like I'm almost contemplating a lifestyle change but I'm born in a different time so I will just have to make best of what I have and that means training my husband to cook decent meals when I'm unable to do so..... Ahem! Ahem! Are you listening from where ever you are? ;)

Day 13

Its Monday!!! I said to myself when I woke up. I was so excited. Couldn't wait to get to a scale and check my weight. I had really followed my food and exercise plan. Well, exercise did take a back seat because I hurt my lower back but I still went for walks. Even my granny's friend noticed the weight loss and even complimented me for the same.

I got on the scales and let me tell you they really know how to crush you..... The scale didn't move. I'm sure if the scales were a girl she would've moved by now. I'm convinced the scale is a He..! So insensitive....!!!! Every time I get on I ask myself, When? When? When will my weight really move to the other side. It has come to one point and just refuses to move. I was getting so frustrated and then the lady who was checking my weight looked up at me and said, "Congratulations! That's 2 kg's off."

My eyes just popped out like they do in the cartoons.... I couldn't believe what she was saying. I looked at her and joked, "Were you up late, drinking or something?" She laughed and showed me the record from my previous assessment. There it was in black and white. My weight was 2 kg's higher than today.

I realised then how I had been out traveling and constantly eating out. No exercise and I had no tabs on the junk I was eating. There were parties. I had started baking and tasting. .. :P I remembered then my previous assessment and how sad I was. How disappointed I was with myself for being so careless after all the effort I had put in. It was like a wake up call for me and made me even more determined to get back on track. I guess I conveniently forgot the increased weight because I was just so much in denial.

Ha ha ha... not anymore... I lost the extra.... yay.... **doing a dance**

Thats not the best news. The best news it I lost another 5 inches overall since my previous assessment. That's confirmation enough that I'm doing the right thing.

Ok, time to watch Junior Masterchef..... see you later.

Day 12

It is true... when you are really looking for something the universe will conspire to present itself to you. I haven't been resting the last two days.. :P I have desperately been trying to decide what to write about in this space. You may have already gathered that I'm not a professional at this so at times I'm caught thoughtless or wordless... :)

That's not the case today. I spent almost an hour researching and writing up a piece today around the "no salt diet" but just when I was re-reading I managed to catch the re-play of this weeks episode of Satyamev Jayate and I just had to write about it.

For those who missed, this weeks episode focussed on how our society is not built to accept anyone that is "different". Their focus was more on how the infrastructure in our country doesn't support those that are handicapped. There's a particular segment about a special girl, Disha that caught my attention. She has a condition where her skin doesn't grow with her age. It's far stretched and prone to infections. Sorry I missed the name of her condition but you see her and you know she has a condition. They spoke about how badly people treated her to the extent that a woman even spit on her...! What absolutely got to me was that she is an adopted kid. Her being "different" is what made her special and her current parents decided to adopt her. Her parents knew she needed extra care and love and they decided to adopt her. Totally reaffirmed my faith in the goodness in people.

Also made me think about how stuck we are over petty things like being too fat or too thin. Too fair or too dark. Too tall or too thin. Made me question why are we too stuck with these petty things.

Its obvious isn't it. We feel we are not accepted for who we are. The way we are. Then again, "we" make up the population so let me ask this. Do we really accept others for who they are? The way they are? The kind of acceptance that is forced on us by some sort of law like the discrimination act or equal opportunity act doesn't really count. I mean true acceptance that comes in the form of appreciation for the differences that makes us all unique. Acceptance that creates a willingness to learn from each others' differences and move forward, together. That sort of acceptance.

From my limited experience on this planet, I believe you can only accept the uniqueness in others when you've truly accepted yourself with everything that makes you unique and special.

No, I'm no saint. I too struggle on most days. Most days I'm too quick to judge but I try. I have to because if I dream of a better society I'm going to have to start by being a better person myself.

On that note I better say good night. It's way past my bed time.

See you tomorrow. Night night or Good Morning depending on which part of the globe you're on.

Day 9

Ok, its official. I'm suffering from a classic case of writers block (If I qualify as a writer). 

I realised I'm sitting in front of my laptop for almost 2 hours now and only managed a blank screen. I'm distracted by the tennis finals on today and n number of questions from mum about the match. :(

I'm retiring for the day and hopefully something better will flow tomorrow.

G'nite xox

Day 8

What? I didn't miss day 7. I just figured you're supposed to rest on the 7th day so that's exactly what I did.  

But lets not waste our time discussing that.... I've got news... and true to my style you don't just get the end. You get the whole narration. Ready?

I just got out of a movie and was in a good mood. The movie was hilarious and entertaining. I got into the car and put on radio. Again it was playing really upbeat songs and I couldn't resist the temptation to sing along (with my windows rolled up, of course..) I started tapping my hand over the steering wheel slowly releasing the hidden rockstar in me.

Came across a signal and temporarily stopped my singing and dancing so people didn't think I was possessed. While waiting for the green I noticed something weird on my left hand as it was resting on the steering wheel. It looked like a little lump jutting out. "What's that?!" I thought to myself. I let go of the steering wheel and moved my wrist up and down to check if it hurt. It didn't. 

Honk!!! Honk!!!! I heard everyone honking at me. I started driving again.

I reached home. Retired on the couch and looked at my wrist again. I tried to feel the lump with my right hand. "hmmmm..." I checked the other hand to see if there's anything similar. 

"OMG...! Silly Tulsi... It's a bone...!!!!!!"

It was hidden for so long I didn't even realise it was there. Don't remember the last time I saw it. But who cares right???? I can see it now..... yooohoooo...!!!

Did you just check your wrist for the same bone? Hahaha... of course you did.... (even if you didn't then, I'm sure you did now..) Smile...:) I'm glad I've done my good deed for the day too now by putting a smile to a face.

So that's my happy story for today.... I'm going to celebrate by bragging about it again and again to my mum till she tires of me... :)

See you tomorrow.... real soon...!

Day 6

I'm in a fix... I'm not sure whether I should tell you about the lovely compliment I received recently or should I talk about working out..? I've spent an hour trying to pick one and decided to just type away. Hopefully my topic for today will pick itself and flow naturally.

So here's what happened last weekend. I accompanied Mum to a physio for treatment. As we took a seat Mum pointed out a sign that mentioned weight reduction services being offered there. It got the better of her attention and so when she was called for her treatment I'm guessing she started inquiring about what sort of services were being offered. When she was done the physio walked out with her and came to see me. 

Physio: "How much weight have you lost?"

I had the look every kid has when they realise their parents have been discussing something about them to a 3rd party without their consent. Somewhere between embarrassed, surprised and sort've expected (she had after all pointed out the sign to me) I just quickly made my peace with it and replied, "Around 20 odd kilos."

Physio: "You've done that by attending the gym?"

Me: "Yea"

Physio: "What sort've diet do you follow?"

Me: "I eat everything. Idli, Upma, Parathas, Rice, Bread" I made sure I stressed on the carbs. I love seeing that look on peoples faces when they hear you eat carbs and still lose weight.

That warranted more discussion and I happily obliged. After a more detailed discussion and fun and jokes he asked me my age. I was surprised and replied, "29" *rolling my eyes*

Him and his assistants looked surprised. So I asked, "Why? How old did you think I was?"

They replied, "19 or 20"

I thought it was because I was making funny jokes and being silly. So I asked, "are you trying to flatter me?"

He laughed and quickly said, "No! You really look very young. Usually when people lose such huge amounts of weight their skin gets dull. They develop huge dark circles. They look tired and worn out all the time. But you don't seem to have any such problems. Also you're still chubby and its hard to guess your real age."

Now, I was blushing...! Gotta admit I was a little embarrassed too so true to my style I said, "thank you, thank you" fluttering my eye lashes and started to get ready to leave.

I wanted to share this not so much to brag about the compliments but to stress about how important it is to eat right to lose weight. After all, we're doing it to look and feel good and when the insides are happy and good, it will automatically reflect on the outside.

Food is VERY important for all your body functions. Please don't deprive yourself of it and eat away for a more Fabulous You...! 

*I sincerely hope I don't have to add a disclaimer here about eating away. When I say that obviously I mean.. eating right.... ;)

 

Day 5

Do you ever dream about things that seem really impossible? No, I'm not talking about those dreams where you see yourself as an alien with super powers that make world domination a possibility for you..! I'm talking about those that you see during the day. Those that sum up your aspirations.

Well, I read a beautiful quote today and felt so inspired so I felt like dedicating today's blog to the same.

"For the cynics & the skeptics, I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry you can't dream big and I'm sorry you don't believe in miracles." - L. Armstrong.

Its more powerful because it comes from a person who was told her didn't have long to go on this planet. He didn't give up and shut himself down. Instead went on to create a world record..! I mean.......(speechless)...! How then can someone like me who is completely healthy ever contemplate giving up on their aspirations? That'd be a shame.

My attitude towards my weight loss in the past may not have been the right one. Its no wonder I haven't gotten to my goal yet. Along the way, I probably lost credibility with the people who thought I'd go on to achieve my goals. Gave birth to one too many skeptics this time around I guess. But that's not going to stop me and I'm resolved to plow along.

Hopefully I have my own Armstrong moment one day... :) and wish you the same too... :)

Day 3 & 4

Since I wasn't been getting any results lately I was forced to do a bit of reflection to figure where I was falling short. One thing I did differently earlier was I recorded everything I ate. So its no surprise then that what I did next was go to a book store and buy myself a fancy little journal. Why? Just to make sure I enjoy writing.... Yes. I'm a little like that.... :)

What I decided to do was write down everything I did during the day. Right from what time I woke up, what I ate, drank, my activities during the day etc. Sort've like a reflection journal I guess. 

Its been 5 days today since I have been doing that and I've discovered a few facts already.

a) I always thought I was eating every two to two and half hours. Not true. Sometimes I had gaps as long as 5 hours between meals. That's one of the reasons why people often over eat or reach out for foods that are high in sugar. To avoid such situations its important to eat at regular intervals.

b) My water intake has automatically increased. Since I'm tracking the number of glasses I drink I am more conscious about how much I'm drinking during the day. Its no secret how drinking water helps flush out toxins, keep the skin hydrated (very important in this heat) also keeps the skin clean clear (No need for expensive creams and scrubs) and most importantly smooth tummy function... ;)

c) I feel more focussed. Every time I enter details in my journal I automatically start day dreaming about achieving my goal. That sort of day dreaming I'm told is very very important. It helps you stay on track and determined to go after your goals. 

And of course, needless to say it also helps me discover a new topic to share here. Earlier I kept neglecting my blog because I kept feeling I didn't have any topics to discuss here. Not anymore..:)

Just like you brush everyday a dose of daily motivation is necessary so your maintain the same level of focus towards your goals. If there's something you really want to achieve and are having problems staying focussed (just like me) why don't you try maintaining a reflection journal. Write down anything and everything you're doing everyday that's taking you closer to that goal. I promise you will find it very beneficial. But don't be a snob and please share your experience with me too.

Till I hear about your experiences....write your way to those great big achievements you dream of everyday.

Day 2

Not even been two days since I've decided to sleep early and I am faced with the mother of all temptations. A newly released film on a Friday night....! Its tempting because I'm a complete movie buff. I have this special ability to watch any movie and enjoy it. There's definitely a few people who can testify. I love movies. Everything about them fascinate me. My part-time day dreams are always about being a movie star.

Wait, are you wondering what my full-time day dreams are? It is to lose these extra kilos, duh..!

Anyway about the movie. Not only does my bbm start buzzing with messages about my friends making plans to catch the movie today but my dad comes home early and says he wants to go watch the same movie...! That has not happened in ages. My parents always wait for reviews or a little bit of my emotional blackmail to come watch a movie with me. I'm convinced that the universe is truly testing my dedication.

Surprisingly, I didn't even consider the possibility of watching the movie tonight and in a totally unprecedented move today I refused to go watch the movie. Instead I made plans to catch it on Sunday during the day. So proud of myself.... :)

So now with both my full and part time dreams in my eyes I'm ready to sleep and dream away.

Till we meet again tomorrow, good night, shaba khair and shubh ratri.

Adeus xo

Day 1

Yes, I have shared my predicaments over waking up early in the morning especially when I've been sleep deprived. I guess the fact that this topic makes an appearance again just goes to show how difficult and equally important that first step is, everyday.

So having decided to pull myself together and get back on track I figured the first thing to do was go back to sleeping early and having early starts. Thats way I can fit in a morning walk and space out my meals to fit in breakfast. (I'm usually sleeping through breakfast time and then struggle to find the time to include all meals)

Anyway, with that in mind I put my phone on silent, switched off the telly and lights and tucked myself to bed by 11.00 pm last night. I was happy that I'd get the complete recommended dose of 8 hour sleep. I didn't realise then that my body had other plans.

At around 1.00 am I realised I was still fully awake.  I had been up trying to prepare a list of things I'd like to do on my upcoming holidays. (mentally, of course)  My goals and how I was going to get there and other such thoughts kept me occupied. I realised I had to sleep so I tried counting sheep, focussing on my breathing, pretending I'll be shot if I moved and even got up to have a warm cup of milk. The tryptophan in milk helps induce sleep. Our great grandparents knew this ages ago...! (Probably didn't know the name of the amino acid, is my guess)

Did all of that and the last time I remember looking at the time was 3.00 am. Next thing I recall is hearing the alarm go and hitting the snooze button. Before I knew it I had "snoozed" for almost an hour. That's when I thought I may as well switch off the alarm and sleep properly. I had missed my morning walk time anyway.

Now, choosing sleep over morning walk especially when you are sleep deprived is very easy. I am not in the military or any such place that demands a high level of discipline. I am my own monitor. I can easily convince myself that I'll go for a walk in the evening or make up for it with extra time at the gym. That will probably allow me to sleep guilt free. With similar thoughts playing on my mind I decided to switch off my alarm and sleep.

Must've slept all of 2 minutes when I started hearing everyone get ready for breakfast. I found myself talking to myself. "If I sleep in now I'll wake up late. Again tonight I'll be chasing sleep. Tomorrow again I will be sleep deprived. I will have another day of disrupted eating patterns. If I've decided to change that, I have to change that from today, from now!" With that final thought I got out of bed and washed my face.

At the breakfast table I was greeted by surprised faces all around. No one was expecting me to wake up on my own. I felt great about myself. I was even more awake now. After breakfast I had enough time to finish my daily chores, reading and even had time to learn how to make a cold cake-ish dessert with my mum. Whether it can be called a cake is totally questionable.... ;)

While I reflect over todays events I realise how we are given the choice of which attitude we are going to adopt daily. Our choice can have a cascading effect throughout the day. Like mine did today.
Ok, so I missed the walk but I ate right, drank plenty of water and even managed to fit in exercise.

Now I'm looking forward to the sweet sleep I am going to enjoy tonight.

Till we meet tomorrow, choose wisely... :)

Procrastination's a _ _ _ _ _

In my bid to maintain a 'G' rating of the content on my blog I'm trying to keep away from using swear words. I couldn't find a better title for this post so I just decided to let you come up with a word that could fill the blanks... ;)

Moving on....

Have you ever thought of doing something and caught yourself saying, "it can wait"?
You go back to it and think, "Maybe tomorrow"?
Multiple such tomorrows later you are now telling yourself, "I've delayed it so much now that it doesn't make any difference when I do it."

Before you know it a considerable amount of time has lapsed and you've either totally scrapped that task from your 'to do list' or its still making an appearance at the bottom of your priorities. In my opinion, if it's still making an appearance in your thoughts it means it's bloody important and about time you give it the attention it demands.

I'm sure with me back in this space you've already figured what I'm talking about. For those not clued in yet, my last post was in March! March! Can you believe it?! and this is despite the very public commitment to keep posting about my progress. Seriously, March...!!!! And it's almost June now!!!

Not a single day has gone by when I've not thought about posting about my progress or lack of. Not a single day has gone by when I've not felt guilty about not honouring my own commitments. As a natural human, I've cooked up many excuses to explain this lapse.

Now, if there's one thing I've learnt about setting goals and going after them is that you do not allow room for excuses. You recognise excuses and nip them in the bud. Excuses are a way of convincing yourself that the goal is not worth the effort and giving up on them. So in my effort to be at a zero tolerance level for excuses, I'm going to trash all the excuses I've cooked up and not offer a single one for the negligence on my part.

Anyway,  in my previous post I promised a progress update and here 'tis;

Weight loss since March:      Zero
Inch loss since March:          8.5 inches overall

Not totally ecstatic about the results but still I've moved forward.
Hoping things will get better from here on.

So, is there something you've been putting off for later? What excuses are you making to avoid it?

Before signing out, I'd like to share a quote I came across earlier today.

"Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly"


Till we meet again, adios. xo

Redonkulous people!

As I dragged my feet into VLCC this morning for a massage I was hoping I didn't have to bump into any of their irritating staff who always jump at the opportunity to sell me their weight loss programs. I don't know if its a global thing, but its definitely an Indian thing. Anywhere you go, people look at you and decide what you need and offer you unsolicited advice on the same.

When I walked through the doors I was relieved to see a guy at the reception. His duty is to deal with male clients only so he wasn't going to waste my time. He checked the appointment diary and led me towards the waiting area which also happened to be a place where the dietitian's consult their clients.

I find it very strange that there is no privacy when there's a consultation going on but at the same time it offered me some amusement and food for my blog. So here I am sharing what I witnessed this morning.

While I was waiting, there was a girl just getting on the scales while her dietitian looked on.

"What happened?", asked the dietitian. Lets call her D for now.

"I don't know" replied this girl. For narration sake lets call her A.

"Well, you've put on 1 kilo since the last time, which was yesterday", said D.

"I have documented everything I did in my diary. Its there for you to see. I don't know how I put on the weight" replied A.

At that point, D got out a checklist and started to tick it off.

"Are you suffering from constipation?" - "No"

"Are you about to get your period?" - "No"

"Are you eating more fruit?" - "Yes"

"What fruit did you eat yesterday?" - "Watermelon"

"What did you eat for dinner last night?" - "Bhel and salad. I've written it in my diary"

"Did you add the sweet chutney to your bhel?" - "No"

"Did you add potatoes to it?" - "No"

"Did you add sev?" - "Yes"

As soon as A said those words, D looked up and gave her one of those looks. That look which says "And you wonder why you can't lose any weight? " or the one that says "No wonder you didn't lose any weight!"

D scribbled something on A's progress report and said the most redonkulous thing I've heard. "It's because of the sev that you have put on that 1 kilo."

I say redonkulous because she's a dietitian for crying out loud. Ridiculous just doesn't do justice to the kind of crap she is putting her clients through. Eating right and eating well is what she's majored in. Is it just me who gets frustrated when educated people talk like idiots..!!!  Even an idiot would know that the total amount of sev in that one cup of bhel would've weight less than 100gms let alone 1 kilo. My guess would be that since this girl is trying to lose weight she would've been very careful about how much she added anyway. Besides, D should probably be encouraging this girl's efforts by saying something like "your body weight usually fluctuates by a kilo here and there. Especially for women because of the hormonal changes happening all the time etc. Don't worry about it. It will drop eventually. Just continue eating right and exercising regularly." 

She should be educating her rather than sending her on a guilt trip...!

When A heard all that, her face fell to the ground. She was about to start crying. At which point D suggested she use the stepper and exercise under her supervision for a while. As if doing a few step ups is going to make her lose the 1 kilo almost instantly...!

I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I tried to control myself but still ended up with a big ass grin on my face. I realised that the D will forever continue that same way until someone questions her methods. Maybe I should question it rather than wait for someone else to.  Just then I heard a voice over my shoulder. "Miss Patel, please come this way. Your room is ready."

"Maybe some other day, I said to myself" and prepared myself for some relaxation.

First day back.

Do you know what it feels like when you re-enter a gym after taking a long break? Especially when the breaks have been for birthday parties, attending weddings, traveling and did I mention anniversary parties? Yes, entering the gym and getting on those scales can feel like watching a scary movie. That's exactly how I felt when I went to the gym yesterday. Even though 3 months is the shortest break I've had being away from the gym. In fact 3 months is the longest I would've been at the gym in the past.... ;)

Getting back to the point. My first day back at the gym. I walk to the scales, put my bags on the side, remove my key chain, take off my havaianas and then get on the scale. My eyes are closed tightly and I slowly just lift a little of my right eye lid to have a peek at the weight. Oooh.... my right fully opens just to make sure there hasn't been a mistake and within a split second both my eyes are wide open. I can't believe it. I get off the scale. Let it go back to Zero. I get back on. I find myself talking to myself. "Try not to jump, try not to jump, try not to jump."

I did not jump. Wait, does updating my facebook status to the effect count as jumping with excitement? Oh well, its hard not to have. I weighed lighter than I did when I was last there. 

Five months ago, my weight had plateaued. Anything and everything I did was of no use. The scales just wouldn't move. So after a couple of months I decided to take a break from the gym. 

I would be lying if I said I was reckless and wasn't mindful about putting on the weight. But I wasn't stressing about it. 

What I realised yesterday is that as the year came to an end I was so stressed about not having made my goal of losing 35 kilos that I had started to skip meals or experimenting with different diets which mostly involved cutting out important food groups like carbs or fat and it did nothing but backfire. My weight would move for one day and go right back the next. It wasn't working and in the end I just ended up frustrated and more stressed.

Sometimes, you just have to do the right thing and the results will follow, eventually.

Ambition 2012

Its been a little over a month since my new years resolution and just did a progress check. I lost 2 kilos. Not bad but definitely could've done much better.

Time to get a little serious me thinks. So I've decided I'm going to treat this like a little project and to honour the two experts who once jokingly suggested a title for my plans on making 2012 - The year of Tulsi, I'm going to call it "Ambition 2012". Sorry what? Stolen idea? It's called being inspired.... ;)

Just like any other project you undertake you need to have a clear image of what you want the end result to look like. Well for me, that's going to have to be to drop another 20 kilos so I'm a size 10-12 and the proud owner of a toned body with curves that talk volumes.. :) Hope I've been specific enough. I once learnt that when you set goals, they must be truly aspirational. Also, you never set them worrying about how you're going to achieve them. You just set the goal. And so, this is mine.

Since we're not going to worry about the 'How' lets look at what I'd need to drop the kilos and get a toned body?

A good eating plan and an effective exercise regime. Love and support from my near and dear ones. A positive and inspiring environment and good rest. Well, that's what I can come up with for now. I guess this bit may keep evolving.

Anyway, a good eating plan, I have. If you like I can share my daily activity journal but I'm worried my stalkers will be able to pick a good time to abduct or kill me ... :P

Exercise - While I'm still trying to decide on my favourite form of exercise, I've just renewed my gym membership and will be starting today. (Getting too hot for outdoor exercise)

Love and support - I have my parents around me who never let me give up on my dreams and aspirations. They catch me when I fall but are also very blunt at telling me when I am wrong. That's what you need. Not just someone who tells you how awesome you are but is also willing to show you the mirror.

A positive and inspiring environment - Have you ever experienced this? Your mind is focussing on one thing and turns out that you see and hear about it everywhere you look. Same way, I'm sure this will just happen automatically. If you want I may share a story that inspired me every now and then.

And it is important to have a realistic timeline - to measure progress otherwise its all just talk.
Initially, I'm aiming at 3 - 4 kilos loss by the end of this month. That's like 4 weeks time. Plenty, I think.

Now its time to stop talking and get started. Are you with me?

Best & Worst Case Scenario..... You Pick.

Have you ever found yourself really excited about the possibility of something new that it scares you? 

What do you do? Focus on the good feeling you'll get when that possibility becomes real or on what could possibly go wrong. i.e. The best case scenario and the worst case scenario.

Being an optimist focussing on the best case scenario comes naturally. Also because there's only just one thing to focus on. Whereas the worst case scenario - well, there could be so many variations to it. It divides your attention. Your focus is spread and in the end you're just trying to achieve the best case scenario. So why waste your time? Just focus on what you really want in the end.

Ok, stop rolling your eyes wondering what I'm on about. I'll explain with a real life example.

You remember that time when I decided to sign up for the 5k run and also committed myself to raising $1000 for charity? Its hard to not remember, everyone in my life knew about it. And if you didn't know me at that time, then well, just take my word for it. It happened some time in 2010.

Anyway, it was a time when I was at my unhealthiest best. But I had bought into the dream of doing something outside my comfort zone and wanted to do it. My best case scenario would've been finishing the 5k and raising my set target.

My worst case would've been not doing anything about either of them or doing just half of it or just quarter or breaking a leg or being eaten by a raccoon.. (you get the point, I hope)

On my first day itself, I was given a BIG reality check. I was asked to run and I couldn't even run for a minute. Not even 100 meters. Right then and there, I had a choice. I chose to focus on what I really wanted. The happy feeling, wait, that doesn't do justice. That 'awesome adrenalin rush sort've feeling knowing you can do whatever it is you decide to do' (hope that does justice) I'd experience when I had achieved what I set my heart and mind on.

Since that moment on, I didn't for even a single day entertain the possible 'worst case scenarios' and the result was there for all to see. I finished the full 5k and also managed to raise and exceed my set target for charity. 

The bonus well there were two.

1.  learnt I had it in me to be a sales person.... Of course some people were just made guilty to donate...;) (Surely, they still love me for having forced them to do a good deed....)

2. I had injured myself which I realised a week after. That led me to the cutest Physio I'd seen. 

So what was my point? Yes, it's this. In the end you'll only end up getting what you truly focus all your energies on. Don't you then owe it to yourself to focus only on that which you really want?

Reflecting

Oh, what a feeling! I woke up in time, went for a walk and also broke a sweat...! That's a first in the last couple of months since I've stopped going to the gym... woohooo...!!!! (More on the gym front later)

Anyway, whilst I was feeling all powerful and positive I thought it might be a good time to reflect on why I'd gone off my program in the last few days. I narrowed it down to the fact that whenever I was asked what I wanted to eat or where, I just responded with "whatever everyone else feels like."

Now, its not so bad eating out at a place that everyone else decides. I could've still chosen my meals wisely. I could've still woken up early to exercise before the day began. I didn't do any of that. Guilty? Not as much as I'm wiser from that experience. I realised the following;

a) When I'm out in a group I don't want to be seen as a fussy person.

b) I sometimes find it difficult making the wiser choices when eating out.

It's a good start knowing what you did wrong because only then you can actually do something to fix it. 

I questioned myself further. Am I really guilty of inconveniencing others? 

The more I thought about it (and trust me, early mornings are best for reflections) I remembered how I had once refused to accept a half hour lunch break so I could go running while everyone else in my training program opted for the half hour break so they could finish early and go home. We had our own priorities and I completely refused to compromise on mine. It's because I wanted it so bad, I was almost blinded by it.

I guess that makes it very clear for me. I'm not afraid of inconveniencing anyone or being seen as a fussy person when it comes to going after the things that are really important for me. I just need to focus on making better choices for myself.

It is me after all that lives with the consequences of the choices I make.... :)

Slip ups..

Ever had anyone tell you "easy to say, hard to do?"

I seem to face them many times... a few more than many maybe. I like to attribute it to the fact that I seem to have an opinion on almost everything. I personally think its just a Sagittarius thing. If you're on you probably have a smirk on your facing thinking, "how true"

So why am I bringing this up?

Well, just last weekend I got to baking. Brownies, cupcakes, butter cream frosting. Me being a mere mortal gave in to temptation (just a little bit) and tasted them all. After that I went traveling for a few days and had an excuse not to exercise or eat as per my food plan. I got back and felt depressed for not having "been good" and reached out for chocolate. I'm telling you, this is a vicious cycle. 

You eat bad - put on weight- feel depressed - you eat chocolate - put on weight - feel depressed and so it goes.

Then as my day was coming to an end and I felt like I was giving in to evils that exist I met a friend online. My friend was discussing how a relationship had been called off and me being me, always with an opinion said "Calling it off is easy. You have to work on these things"

Suddenly it dawned on me that I've been in a relationship with my excess weight ever since I can remember. At first it didn't bother me. Then it stuck around and it started to be a pain. I had to do something about it to bring back the happiness I felt I was missing. I worked hard at it for some time. Here I was, trying to blog and encourage anyone in my situation to go after their goals. Just realised the depth in the wise words, "easy to say, hard to do" that people used when I offered my free advice.

Just like I'd never give up on a relationship that meant a lot to me, I can't let a slip up ruin all the good and hard work I'd put in. 

In that one moment my thought process just changed. Suddenly I was focussing my thoughts on the virtuous cycle. You know, the one where you exercise and eat right -sleep well - lose weight - feel better - full of positive energy - eat better - exercise better - sleep well - lose more weight - feel even better - more positive energy and so on.

With that thought, I take full responsibility for what I did and so am even more resolved to not let that sort of thing happen again.

So with dreams of a better and more powerful tomorrow waiting for me, I sign out.

I can't wait to be back here tomorrow morning.

Good night all. xo

Can't think of a title....(suggest one?)

Before I begin with anything, I want to apologise. I went missing again. This time I was traveling and carried my laptop with me so I didn't miss a daily post. I just couldn't put the words together. Its combination really. A family who just wont understand what "personal time" is and me getting too caught in the language I use. I kept editing and re-editing and then I finally felt it doesn't feel sincere anymore and so I just discarded it.

One thing that's important to me and I have been very careful about when posting anything on here is making sure its straight from my heart. And so I guess, till it starts to get easier to put feelings into words and becomes a natural process a few delays may be expected, initially at least.

So anyway what made me write today?

A couple of days back, a friend posted a link that I simply loved. Here's the link.

http://viewsfromthecouch.com/2012/02/12/you-didnt-thank-me-for-punching-you-in-the-fac/

Why did I love it?

It spoke about how love and respect are important ingredients for any relationships. More importantly, it took me back to 1998 when I'd just joined a new school after having spent over a decade in a boarding school.

The first couple of weeks were painful. Whilst trying to find my feet in a completely new environment I had to put up with boys who found an easy target in me. I was easily bullied then and as far as I remember I went home crying for the first two weeks. I know its hard to imagine that especially if you know me today. But it happened. 

I'd complain to the teachers and they'd just let it slide as "kids being kids" or "boys being boys" or my best "you're just being too sensitive"

Obviously my parents didn't like me coming home in tears. I didn't have my friends around me. My younger sister was also missing from the picture. They were the people I went to when I had such problems in the past. My parents were my only friend and they decided that something had to change. They sat me down and said, "next time someone harasses you, give them a fitting reply. If you get into trouble with your teachers or principal, we'll come and speak with them."

I don't know what happened after that talk. I never came home crying since.

While reading that post earlier this week I realised how their words and actions told me how much they loved me. More importantly how much love and respect I deserved as a person and how anything different was unacceptable. They also made me aware of the strong support system they had going for me and my sister.

Thanks to the realisation, I owe it to their love to never accept anything less.

Changing times....

What's been slightly bothering me lately is that a few friends have been complaining that I don't make enough time for them anymore. Its not like I was making a conscious effort to stay away or anything and so I was trying to figure out what brought about that concern not by one or two friends but a bit more.

I'm still living in the same city. Have the same friends. And I'm still not working. So I wonder what's different?

Suddenly occurs to me that;

a) I am no longer on holidays and have decided to look for a job after living the life of royalty for a year. Yes, job hunting is keeping me busy. Very busy.

b) I have decided to strictly go back to my weight loss program so I can achieve my goals for this year and that means being choosy about when I decide to eat out and party.

Ever been in a similar situation? You've set yourself a goal and suddenly all your energies are focussed on just trying to achieve it so much so that everything else moves to the background?

I wonder if its such a bad thing after all. I don't think it should be. You are going after things that are important to you. In doing so you're growing as a person. You are changing.

Aaaaah.... it so occurs to me then that the real problem lies in the fact that things are changing. All changes happening in my life are affecting my family, friends and the people around me.

Sometimes, apart from communicating and communicating really well, why you're doing something that you're doing there is nothing you can do. Hopefully I've done my bit.

I'm confident that the relationships that are important will meet me on the other side.

Writer's block

Spent all day thinking of what to write... too many thoughts and simply no words... :(

Sleeping now with hope that it'll all come together tomorrow.

G'nite. 

Waking up!

Its been two weeks and I really have to bring this up now 'cause I have no idea what's happened to me. Ok... I'm not talking about love or any sort of similar drug.

I HAVE BEEN WAKING UP IN THE MORNING...! 

wait.... did you just roll your eyes and try to get all sarcastic on me already? Yes, even I know it just means that I'm awake. But let me finish. I've been waking up without the help of an alarm clock....!!! 

All my life, I've thought its next to impossible...! I've believed that alarm clocks are THE way of knowing its time to wake up.

While growing up, I waited for the first bell to ring (in boarding school) and it was still difficult to open my eyes and get out of bed at 6.00 am. On holidays I'd always sleep in unless traveling to new places. On every other day, I always had to set an alarm to wake up. Sometimes two. Sometimes three. (That would be on days when I had something really important)

So what changed?

Very recently I was told by my nutritionist that for my weight loss efforts to be effective I had to let my body rest. Which meant I had to have a complete sleep. 

This is what she said to me.

"By complete sleep, I mean a full 8 hours. If you need the help of an alarm or a nudge by your mum, then you haven't had enough sleep. Your eyes should just open and you will feel fresh when you wake up"

On our way back home I kept telling my mum, "Did you hear that properly? I need to sleep. Now stop waking me every morning. Let me sleep till my eyes open automatically." 

Of course, mum being mum couldn't help but be nervous. She thought I was going to sleep till 10.00 am. She kept reminding me that it also meant, I should sleep around 10.00 - 10.30.

I was skeptical and also wanted a chance to wake up late without giving mum a chance to say, "but you didn't sleep on time" so, I went to sleep at 10.30. I wanted to test this whole "complete sleep" theory.

The next morning, my eyes, believe it or not were open at 6.30 am. I was fresh and stayed that way all day.

I thought maybe I was tensed and had not slept all night. But, it happened again and again and again. Except of course the weekend where I chose to sleep in for an extra hour only to skip exercise.

Its been a couple of weeks today and I just had to share it with you. 

Incredible isn't it? What a sincere commitment to your goals can do to you.

Being naughty.... guilt free..:)

Wow...! When I made the commitment to blog about my experiences everyday, I definitely didn't think it through. Soooo disappointed with myself for having missed a couple of days already. If I'm allowed to make an excuse then it would be that it was the weekend. But who am I kidding right? I made the commitment myself so excuses are a no go.

The good thing is I didn't let the third day go by and I'm back here.

So anyway, what did I get up to? Well, I was in celebration mode because after my first week back on the program I found that I lost 2 kilos. I was ecstatic. And no, by celebration I didn't mean food and drinks. I was just very happy. How did I celebrate? Now, it may sound a little irresponsible on my part already but I slept in and skipped exercise the last couple of days.

Yes, I felt very guilty. Almost didn't feel like waking up this morning.

I spent the start of my day feeling bad about what I'd done. I went back to thinking about how I felt when I slept in. I felt happy. I felt like I had earned it. I knew what it takes to wake up at 6.30 in the morning. The commitment to sleep at 10.30 at night. The sacrifice of a very active social life. I had done that for a week and knew I was capable of doing it again. Suddenly, I didn't feel guilty about sleeping in anymore.

Ever notice how everything you love is always not so good for you.....?

I'm convinced its the work of a marketing genius in the weight loss industry. They make you feel guilty even for craving that odd cupcake once in a while.

No one should feel guilty for doing something that makes them happy. Yes, we should be aware of the consequences of our actions and take responsibility for them. Makes a big difference. One is discouraging (for lack of an apt word) and the other is empowering.

So I've decided I'm going to continue being "naughty" on that odd occasion and I'm going to do it guilt free. I'm going to continue enjoying the things that make me happy.
Sleep ins
butter/cheese on toast
creamy pasta
break from exercising
movie marathons with popcorn
ice creams
paan
parties with beer and wine
low fat pizza with extra cheese
maggi noodles
red velvet cupcakes
and the list could get quite exhaustive so I'll stop for now...oh wait..! I can't forget chocolates. Especially Lindt... they are sooooo yummy..... :)


Not letting that marketing genius win......!!!

Why are you "doing it?"

Some time last year (not that long ago) my personal trainer was discussing weight loss with a girl who had just joined the gym in the change rooms. She must've been giving her my example because as soon as I walked in she said "See, this is Tulsi. She's the one. Talk to her."

I figured what they must've been talking about and waited for the girl to speak. Her expression was so familiar. I had been that girl so many times earlier and so I knew exactly what she didn't want to hear.

The girl looked at me and hesitantly asked, "how did you manage to lose so much weight?"
I replied, "because I really wanted to"

Her expression just switched. "What a snob!" is probably what she must've remarked in her mind 'cause that's what I read on her face. I had her attention and realised I shouldn't waste the opportunity.

I asked further, "Why do you want to lose weight?"
She looked at me surprised. Like I'd asked the most stupid(est) question on earth. By now we had company in the change rooms and one of the ladies interrupted.

"She is so fair and has such a lovely face. If she looses a little weight she will look so beautiful. She will get a good husband."

(Suddenly noticing that this girl was in her early-mid 20's) I was very quick to reply. Maybe because I had anticipated the end of that sentence and had heard it a million times before myself.... "She IS already very beautiful."

I suddenly felt I was in a more responsible position to ensure this girl didn't feel any less of herself. No one had the right to make her feel like that. I took a seat next to her and told her, "See, if you are going to try and lose weight because your parents or aunties or uncles or anyone else around you feel that you should, don't do it. If you feel that losing weight is going to get you a good partner, don't do it. If you want to lose weight because you believe it is in your best interests, do it. It means better health, do it. It means more energy, do it. It makes you happy, do it. Make sure you're doing it only because YOU want to do it. If you feel you don't want to, don't do it. You'll only end up wasting valuable resources that could've been used doing things you actually enjoy and that make you truly happy."

Honestly, I haven't seen that girl in the gym since that day. I'm hoping she gave some thought to what I said. Maybe her parents hate me. I'm sure my personal trainer does. She lost a prospective client!

I guess whether its weight loss or anything else for that matter, its important to do it because it makes YOU happy. Its what YOU want to do. At the end of the day, a happy soul is a healthy one.

Hope you know why you're doing it....:)

I'm back..... and here to stay :)

Yes, I know its a little late in the year to be talking about new years resolutions but I figured I may as well have a resolution that I'm going to see through till I achieve it rather than forgetting about it within a week, a month or a couple at best. Hence, the delay in making the commitment to myself.

Most of you would know that I managed to shed quite a bit off in 2011. However, I didn't quite achieve the goal I had in mind last year..... When I tried to take stock of last year I realised it was mostly because I didn't quite factor in the celebrations and holidays that made home, home.

So anyway, coming back to this year. I have resolved to shed 20 kg by the end of this year but more importantly, to blog my daily experiences till I get there. I set up the blog so that I could share my experiences to assure those trying to fight their demons that they're not alone. I'm guilty of not staying true to that purpose and allowing less important things to get in the way. No More. Here's hoping that a public commitment means I don't lose track of my goals.

What this means for you? You can either follow my blog to receive updates every time I post or get spammed on FB or twitter....;) I intend to share a link till I start receiving some seriously scary hate mail. :P

Ok then, I'm off for now. See you again tomorrow morning bright and early.
Good Morning, Good night (depending on which part of the world you're in)

"I AM AWESOME"

All sleepy eyed I got myself to the table for my morning chai. I saw a copy of the Baroda Times lying there with the headline, ‘I have a saggy bum, cellulite’. There was a picture of Sonam Kapoor next to it and so I decided to continue reading. The interview was pretty candid and it felt like she was just pouring her heart out.

Interesting thing was prior to her celebrity status excess weight was an issue. Post her celebrity status her saggy bits and cellulite is the issue. Saggy skin and cellulite! A Fashionista! Featured on the cover of every magazine! Ok... I better calm down. *deep breathing* 

Phew! you see, there’s no such thing as perfect. Even the most sought after fashionista is flawed. Only difference is, her flaws don't appear on the surface, thanks to a team of highly skilled professionals. Even the universe isn’t perfect anymore, what with all the global warming and s*** (let’s not get started on that topic for now)

Why are we so caught up trying to be 'perfect' all the time? By perfect I mean trying to fit other people’s idea of who we should be that we often forget who we really are. I know I’ve fallen prey to that so many times to the extent where I've felt suffocated. Not knowing something as basic as my favourite colour....!

While I was suffocating on the inside, I stumbled upon How I Met Your Mother and was introduced to Barney. His awesomeness started to brush off on me. It suddenly became very clear to me that there is no such thing as 'perfect'. Never will be. I will never have the ideal height, weight, skin, hair, shoes, clothes etc. All that is relative. What I do have is the ability to choose my attitude.

With that in mind I put together a little feel good mantra. I started looking at myself in the mirror and saying “I’m Awesome” to the person I saw. Soon I started to really smile back at the person in the mirror. That’s when I knew I’d started believing in it. Just like that, I experienced a change around me that is very hard to explain. All I know is I’m more comfortable with life because I’m being me. 

If you're caught in a similar situation, do yourself a favour. Stop trying to fit into other people’s idea of you. Be yourself. Do those things that make you happy. That make you sleep better at night. You are Awesome the way you are. Believe in it and nothing but awesomeness will follow… I promise. :)