Loving yourself....

Through my growing years, ever since I can remember, I’ve always been told to lose the extra kilos. Funnily though, the advice always came with “you won’t find anyone to marry you if you don’t lose weight”… or “guys don’t like girls who are fat”. It came from everyone. I met people and within the first five minutes they’d be giving me tips on losing weight. None of my other achievements were worthy of discussion. My weight was the only topic of interest. My parents and my little sister, as far as I can remember were the only people who never stressed so much about my weight. They let me be. When I got really obese they started telling me to lose weight and get in shape. But their concerns, unlike everyone else were totally different.

Since I had already received so many messages that I will never be good enough for a guy because I am a certain shape, I started getting angry when my parents started telling me to lose weight. I felt they didn’t love me anymore. They were only telling me to lose the excess so I wasn’t exposed to unnecessary health risks.

As a result, and totally without awareness my actions were directed at punishing myself by ignoring my health. I remember saying, “If anyone wants to love me they better love me for who I am the way I am.” I didn’t care to exercise, enjoyed drinking, smoking and eating all the yummy junk food available. Pizza with extra cheeses my favourite and also the fries, which by the way were always upsized. I had a desk job that never helped much. I only spent time with a handful of people and didn’t enjoy going out meeting new people. It was so bad that when a great guy came along and told me what I was waiting to hear, “I love you”, I pushed him away because I had started believing in what everyone had been saying all this while. I thought to myself, “He can’t love me, I’m fat!”, “He’s going to leave me anyway, why take a chance?”

One fine day, while talking to my best friend I had my “aha” moment. I realised that I had no right to expect people to love me because I had stopped loving myself. I wasn’t a priority in my own life. How can I remotely expect anyone else to love me so?

Since this awareness came about I suddenly noticed many people in my life… Some were told you’re too short or you’re too thin (my favourite) or too dark or too tall or too fair, etc. I realised how someone’s always going to pick on you and your appearance.  One thing common among these people was that they were not fazed by their shortcomings. All these people I met had accepted their differences and loved themselves the way they were.

Thank God for that moment, I finally accepted myself the way I was. Once I did that loving myself came very naturally. As a result I took to exercising and keeping myself fit. I’m not yet within the healthy weight range but I still feel great. I know it’s come with accepting myself. Now I have goals of running a marathon and actually believe it’s possible.

My life has changed ever since. I still tend to go back to the old self sometimes but now I can talk myself away from that place. I feel I am a brand new person and everyone I meet feels the same. Now guys tell me I am beautiful and I respond, “I know” because I believe I am :)

I’m finally filled with love and that’s what I share wherever I go. There’s no room for anything else.  So, my dear friend, are you loving yourself enough?